2002.8.26
This is an obituary for Sue's personality, not for her person!
She is alive and unharmed. This is part of the therapy and is necessary
that she can start a new life.
This is not meant to confuse or upset you, it is just to inform you what
is going on in Sue's life.



I am sorry to inform you, that Sue is not longer with us.
I felt impelled to end her life today.
It was my only choice to be together with the person I value most in this world since 27 years.
The person you knew as Sue was in such a bad shape, that she was beyond the chance to live a satisfying life.
After we exhausted all possibilities to work things out, she surrendered completely and put her future into my hands.

To clarify the situation, the being you knew as Sue is all right we just needed to get rid of the personality.

The mental wounds she accumulated during her life were to severe and she could not heal herself nor would she permit that others might help her.
In her current state it would be either to give herself up and go into a closed mental institution and that would end our relationship as well, since my life was on hold for the last 6 years and my health is failing me more and more.
The other choice she had, was to surrender to the person who was on her side the last 27 years and follow his guidance without questioning.
This would be a first for 27 years also.

It was her choice and we were making good progress since we started some weeks ago.
Since I could not and would not use the old personality, I was looking for a way to start new without old ballast.
I learned, that all things have their time, and finally today it hit me how to start a good and clean start.
The old person(ality) had to die!

If you knew the metaphor from the phoenix (A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes.) You will understand what is going on.

I found this picture from Josephine Wall fits this moment of Sue's life very much. To see more of JO's art, simple click on the picture.

First you see autumn, the leaves are falling, since they are dead -

At second glance you see that the leaves are transforming into butterflies and are starting on to a new cycle in life.

 

As you can imagine, it got very emotional today. But she accepted it, and since she trusts me now completely, it was over after some hours.
She needed her time to accept the loss and to understand the chance she had.

And on the day we laid Sue to rest a new person was born.
We think it will be a thrilling and very interesting ride.

Joe

p.s. If it were not for thymoma.de and all the people she could help, she would be in a much worse shape. You all gave her a purpose to fight. Thank you


2003.1.15

Good-bye Sue and welcome Eva
Joe's project Eva has reached the final phase.
Over the last several months I have had a change in my personality and attitude towards life.
You'll know me as Sue but let me tell you I had a life before I was called Sue.
Joe and I felt in love with each other when I was 15 and still in school whereas he was 18 and a soldier already. ( He looked so handsome in his uniform)
He knew me as a sweet girl, the type of good girl next door.
By that time I was outspoken, had courage and self esteem and was determent to reach my goals by all means.
I was called from most of the people Ursel which is a short form for Ursula ( my birth name)
Over the years I grew up to be a business woman with a lot of responsibilities and an enormous load of work. I could deal with stress and it seemed to an outsider that I was strong, competent and very much in control of myself.
I enjoyed being successful in sales, loved a good deal and thought this would be my life until the end of my days.
Then, about 10 years ago, Joes health deteriated all of a sudden at such a speed that he felt he couldn't cope with this high pressure job any longer without jeopardizing his life. Little did I know by the time about the burn-out-syndrome.
I wasn't prepared for a life outside my environment and had no idea how my life would develop. That was a very scary time for me, someone who was raised to believe that security and an average life is the best what could happen to me. And here I was at the age of 34, starting allover again by selling everything what we owned, say good-bye to friends and family and off to a new life.
That was the time when I discovered that the Americans would have lots of trouble to pronounce my first name right and so the idea of a short form from my original name was born.
Ur-SU-la would be changed into SU and because this is a well known first name in the US we started writing it the name way like the Americans do with an "e" at the end.
After a while I got used to be called Sue but it didn't change a major thing inside myself.
Joe hoped that we could loosen up a little bit, go wild an reckless and enjoy our life while we're still young.
Well, I tell you it's difficult to break old habits and although we where relieved that we didn't have the truckload of responsibilities from our old life anymore, we couldn't make the transition into people who would enjoy life just for itself.
Nevertheless we liked our new life and had good times and adjusted very well.
Then the cancer came into our life and one more time everything changed in a snap. We had to leave the US and go back for my treatment to Germany, we lost my girl friend due to cancer and we lost our "innocence" towards life. All of a sudden nothing seemed sure anymore.
During the time of my recovery in Germany I wished with all my heart and soul that I would be strong enough and able to go back to my life in the US and I had the strong feeling with this associated that if I could go back and could be "Sue" again everything would be all right.
Hurt,confused, afraid to death and very very insecure I couldn't stand the feeling when old friends or family members called me Ursula. It felt to me that I would never have the chance to live my happy life in America again.
So I asked all my friends and family to help me believe that I could go back someday, by calling me Sue.
Little did I know that my wish would be like an earthquake for my parents and it took them a long time before they finally gave in.
Thank god that my old grandma was more supportive and although she didn't understand the need of my wish she showed me her love and trust by accepting my wish and would call me faithfully Sue.
Now, after I survived my cancer and have gone through a depression I deserve to leave these old lifes and personalities behind me.
Joe helped me to understand that we both need to part from Sue as well as from Ursula and concentrate on a happier future and last but not least to safe our marriage.
As Ursula or even as Sue I never lived my life. I still concentrated to much on my old believes and didn't trust my own opinion enough to surface.
With Joes help, endless hours of talking, thinking, crying etc. I started to loosen up even enjoying different experiences until today when I felt I'm ready for the final step.

When Joe told me it's time to think of a new name for me I started looking around and after a while I was so confused I didn't know what to do.
I thought it must be something special, something very meaningful. It felt to me like a burden instead of joy.
So, I had to adjust my attitude once more and had to look at it from a different prospective and all of a sudden it was easy.

I chose Eva because of it's powerful meaning to me.

E stands for evolution ( that means my personality will grow and prosper)
V stands for victory (surviving cancer, depression etc. is sure a victory)
A stands for All what I can imagine can come true

Finally, at the age of 43, I have reached a point in my life, where I allow myself to leave my past behind and concentrate on my future, only.
I'll be a passionate woman and no longer the good girl next door.
I'll be a honest person not longer afraid to speak up.
I'll be more adventurous and open minded.

Eva is my future, Eva will be Joes future wife and everyone who will respect my wishes will be welcome in our life.
As of today, I will answer to my new name Eva, only.

Cheers
E
V
A